News

What's So Funny

By Adam Cayton-Holland 

Look, we all know it's going to happen. Pretending that it won't isn't going to make it go away. And shrieking hostile racist threats whenever anyone brings it up isn't helping, either. You've really got to stop doing that. Whether we like it or not, Denver Public Schools superintendent Jerry Wartgow will soon be stepping down from his throne. While trumpets sound and peasants feast in the central square of the DPS fiefdom, Wartgow will calmly surrender the tight-fitting satin tunic and bejeweled goblet of education that have festooned Denver superintendents since the beginning of time, and he'll move on with his life. And so should we.

To help us during this difficult period of transition, DPS has retained the services of Hazard, Young, Attea & Associates Ltd., a firm whose specialty is assisting school boards in search of superintendents and which we know is an expert at this because it has three names in its title. Plus all those associates. First step, advise the super-seekers, is identifying the characteristics that we, as a community, are looking for in our superintendent. Shit, that's easy: good head of hair, silky sheen and a million-dollar smile. But apparently these uppity consultant types, what with their fancy haircuts and original teeth, want more. So they've scheduled five community meetings this week to create a "leadership profile" for the next superintendent.

They've also arranged a special media focus group on the matter that they didn't tell Joe Q. Public about. On behalf of Joe Q. Public and his many Cheetos-stained children, What's So Funny would absolutely love to attend the meeting. But here's the thing: We don't get along all that well with this Denver liberal media. Fact is, if we don't hear about it on Fox News or from Dennis Miller, we don't hear about it. So the notion of attending an actual press event is completely and utterly ridiculous, as we do not wish to appear aligned with any local outlets, even momentarily -- especially you, Denver Daily News; you bastards will rue the day you rejected our allegiance!

Fortunately, there are other ways. By sleeping with three secretaries at the DPS office on seven separate occasions, we were able to obtain a copy of the Leadership Profile Assessment Form, immediately after which, one of the secretaries informed us that we could have just gotten it online. Spiteful harlot. No matter. What's important is that we have the document in our possession, and we can share it, as well as our suggestions, with you.

1. What do you consider to be the two or three most significant strengths of Denver Public Schools?

Denver public schools have always shown extraordinary skill in keeping minority students out of accelerated classes. Even at schools that are predominantly black or Hispanic, the X-track classes are whiter than Jack Johnson covering John Denver tunes. DPS is really quite deft at that. Second, DPS has always produced some of the choicest drugs around. Be it cocaine, Ecstasy or merely a romp in the hay with marijuana, DPS schools are great places to find drugs -- and they're top-quality, too. Simply seek out a little rat-bastard skateboarder near a schoolyard, inquire in appropriately abrasive language, and enjoy. Mmm, mmm, delicious!

2. What do you consider to be the two or three most important issues or concerns facing Denver Public Schools?

To get serious for a second: completely inept college counselors, shutting down schools to save money rather than working to save them, and -- drumroll, please -- educating!

3. Please share two or three characteristics that you would like to see in the new superintendent.

Um, hell-o. Good head of hair, silky sheen and that million-dollar smile. We've been through this. But if it's non-bullshit you're seeking -- and if it is, what the hell are you doing seeking it here? -- how about a superintendent who speaks Spanish? There's an idea.

The survey continues by suggesting you rank certain traits in potential candidates based on your perceptions of the need for the district, and a bunch of other pointless rigmarole, then asks you to share any additional thoughts below. Here's one: Whatever you do, don't bring back Irv Moskowitz. That surly bastard wouldn't call a snow day on Christmas.