Why I'm Ready to Kiss 2007 Goodbye

I came home a few months back to discover my girlfriend had been crying. She had stumbled across a picture of the two of us just months before the hospital. The image choked her with guilty sobs. She couldn't believe she had let me get so sick. I looked at the picture. I could not deny the chubby red cheeks or vague, lost glint in the eyes of my drinking self. But I looked happy, and so did she.

So at the end of the year, I'll make an empty toast to the me of the previous decade. I guess it's for the best he's gone. I just wish the skinny face in the mirror looked a little more familiar. I just hope all these sober thoughts don't always taste so strange.

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Play It As It Lays
by Jonathan Ritzman

It's simple, really: I didn't get laid.

I'm in the Hampton Inn when I learn that Darrent Williams has been shot and killed. It's just a few blocks from where I parted ways with my friends, all of whom had girls in tow. I'm drinking flat champagne and thinking about how terrifying an ordeal it all is. I think of his parents and what a tough phone call that must be. But mostly, I'm wondering why a 23-year-old, good-natured soul like myself isn't getting laid on New Year's. I pour some champagne on the carpet.

The next day I learn that President Ford has died. The flags are at half-mast. This will represent my manhood in the year to come: 2007 will be unforgiving for many souls, but in my eyes, it will do most harm to my sexual existence. I will not get laid this year.

It's early February, and Anna Nicole Smith is dead. This does not affect my life, but does reflect it. An eerie metaphor of stagnancy. A woman whom I'd welcomed into my most private dreams dies an early death. What are you trying to say to me, '07? Surely this must be an isolated incident. What's next? Will they imprison a sex symbol? They will.

On June 3, Paris Hilton will be sent to jail. My libido is far from half-mast.

It's the morning of April 16, and Wolf Blitzer looks like he just fucked my mom. I'm not sure he hasn't. I'm in bed watching CNN, alone. In the room next to me I can hear my roommate. He and his flavor of the month are giggling about something. I wonder what they are giggling about. They are probably fighting over covers. That sounds fun. Wolf Blitzer isn't giggling. He tells me a kid in Blacksburg, Virginia, has killed a bunch of his classmates. He is narrating eyewitness footage over and over. He talks about the kid who did it. It is clear to me the culprit wasn't getting laid, either.

My bed is too big for me. I go back to sleep.

A few months pass, and I'm at the multiplex on Colorado Boulevard. My friend Spencer doesn't have enough money for the new Die Hard movie. I buy him his ticket and we get some good seats. John McClane's skills are ridiculous. If I had even a fraction of his abilities, I would not be buying my dude-friend a ticket, but a beautiful girl instead. A girl who appreciates the intricacies of action movies like I do.

There is no such girl. There is a couple in front of us unaffected by the dangers John McClane encounters. They are feeding each other Jujubes. I want to be fed Jujubes. I hate Jujubes.

I turn 24 on August 18. I am given $200. This is not nearly enough money for what I am looking for.

Even September 11 comes with no action.

Now it's December, and 2007 is coming to a close. For me, it's been a year to forget. Now I'm ready to kiss 2007 goodbye. I suppose the year could have been worse, but really, I just want to kiss something, anything.

So a kiss goodbye to you, '07: You really fucked me, when no one else would.

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When Worse Comes to Worst
by Anonymous

Why am I excited for 2007 to be over? Well, I was a firm believer in thinking that maybe this year would be better than the last, but alas, such was not the case. It began with ringing in the year 2007 alone in the middle of Iowa sitting on a picnic bench staring at an owl while my boyfriend partied with his friends at someone's apartment. It was really cold, too. I was crying on the phone to my friends back in Boulder, and my phone froze to my face. I was really excited, as it was my first New Year's where I actually had a boyfriend and what I thought would be a guaranteed New Year's kiss, because I'm one of those sappy, hopeless romantics. That didn't happen. He ended up coming back wasted.