Warp Speed

Actually, I first took it upon myself to whine and moan incessantly for a few weeks, and then I started looking for loopholes, willful non-compliers and places where I could still combine three of my favorite pastimes: drinking, smoking and dodging work.

I'm a big fan of doing all three at the Churchill Bar at the Brown Palace. I mean, if you're gonna do a thing, might as well go all out, right? And beyond the Churchill's history (it was named after Sir Winston, who reportedly used the hotel as his Western headquarters during a spin through the States during WWII), its crowds (local captains of industry, bewildered business travelers, gazillionaires on golfing vacations staying in the suites upstairs), and the biggest, leathery-est, most comfortable seats of any bar in the city, I just dig the fact that I can hang out there, drink too much Wild Turkey, smoke a half a pack of cigarettes and, even if I'm wearing a T-shirt, jeans and my cowboy boots, still feel classy doing it.

Other people might need something a little more lowbrow, though, since the Churchill can be intimidating and parking costs a fucking fortune. So recently, I've been ducking out of the office to get my fix at Charlie Brown's (980 Grant Street), a considerably more casual spot for a smoke, a beer and a shot in the middle of the day. And while you can't light up at the bar here, there are two quote/unquote patios where you can. One is an actual patio — meaning you'll be sitting right out there in the open, exposed to the elements. But there's also a second, interior "patio," which is where you'll usually find me. It's covered, walled and roofed. There are TVs and service stations. It looks for all the world like just another dining room, but apparently it passes legal muster as a legitimate patio because there are also ashtrays and usually half a dozen tables full of people happily enjoying cigarettes, beers and snacks from the wide-ranging menu.

One joint that should've been given a pass by the anti-everything Nazis is Phil's Place, at 3463 Larimer Street. A good old-fashioned neighborhood dive with really good Mexican food, Phil's is the kind of place that attracts precisely no one overly concerned for their health or the health of those around them.

Still, the law applies — and so, as at bars across the state, smokers at Phil's have been ducking right outside the front door for their fix. Or at least they were until a few weeks ago, when Phil's got popped because people were violating the fifteen-foot rule, the one that says not only can you not smoke inside any public building, but you've got to stay fifteen feet away from any door when lighting up. Now there's a big sign nailed on the front door of Phil's memorializing the ridiculous bust and reminding all of us addicts that we've got to stand in the gutter in order to comply with the law. And while you'd think that the Denver cops would have better things to do than hand out tickets to people who forgot to bring their tape measures along for their night out drinking, I guess all real crimes in this state were solved while I wasn't paying attention. I think I'll go celebrate with a couple of drinks and a smoke.

If anyone needs me, I'll be at Charlie Brown's.

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Leftovers: Two of the area's best, (though very different) restaurants are expanding their service hours. Last week I got a call from Paul Attardi over at Fruition (1313 East Sixth Avenue), named Best New Restaurant in the Best of Denver 2007, who said that he and partner Alex Seidel will open for dinner on Monday nights starting May 5. "A lot of people from the neighborhood are asking for it," he explained, "and we're thrilled to accommodate them."

Toast (2700 West Bowles Avenue in Littleton), an award-winning breakfast/lunch joint, is also getting in on the dinner game. "We're going to run with the regular menu," owner Bill Blake told me, "and slowly increase it as we go, add just a couple of plates at a time." Those plates will be comfort foods — roasted chicken, meatloaf, some ribs.

Toast will unveil those new items on April 28, the same day it introduces expanded hours — until 9 p.m. seven days a week. The restaurant has also expanded its space, turning what had been a next-door dance studio into a second dining room. "And we needed it, too," Blake said.