Dateless in Denver: The Nine Kinds of Single Women You Meet in Denver

At the start of the summer, in anticipation of all those hot times ahead, we shared a string of articles about dating in Denver, including a cover piece that explored "Why Dating in Denver Is a Dumpster Fire." We also hosted an essay contest asking readers to share their best bad-date story.

Then, because misery loves company, we introduced "Dateless in Denver," a series of reader essays on the realities of dating in Denver — the good, the bad and the ugly — that kicked off with Jess's story of a date who sharted on her lawn, and most recently shared a woman's bootie call diary. Now Matthieu Larsen Morava

1. The Ammo Dump
Your "man card" better be current and you should own at least three guns if you're thinking about dating her. These are women who prefer manly men; we're talking men jacked on a steady diet of Red Bull and Fox News. She's never heard of David Deida, he sounds queer, but she totally buys into the whole masculine/feminine argument of attraction, never mind that she's packing, too. She likes a man in uniform (biker gear works), and the correct answer to the question "When was the last time you cried?" is "When Joe Biden was elected!" They prefer long walks on the beach with pit bulls and the "ground and pound" is the only form of intimacy they respect. Buckle up, buddy, because you're in for a bruising, shattering ride.

2. The “No” Hippie Chick
She's never been married. Never had a relationship that's gone beyond the "Romance Stage" and is into tantric sex and Burning Man. Yes, she lives in Boulder and is convinced all cancer can be cured by diet alone and that the medical/industrial/military complex is running things, but has no problem laying down serious $$$ for those Lululemons and a Bali yoga retreat. She's happy to play with you as long as you are fun and don't "harsh her mellow," and if you hint at "commitment" or, God help you, "monogamy," it's over as fast as a Grimes set at Coachella, and she'll laugh and chalk it all up to just another adventure on her path to Teal Meme consciousness.

3. The Suit
Her first marriage ended because of her commitment to her career, and as long as she can shoehorn you in between 11 and midnight for a little late-night love snack, it's all good. Helps if you look good in a suit and won't embarrass her at the Christmas office party. You are simply an accessory, and as long as you look as good as the Lexus in the drive and perfectly reflect the inner sense of her success, you're golden, pony boy.

4. Kali the Destroyer
She's been abused and used more times than she can count by men, starting with her recently departed father, and is a ball of fury at this point. If you venture close enough to her fire, she will burn your entire life down. You see men through her eyes, and it makes you want to cut off your own dick. Seriously, men are pigs.

5. The Rhino Mom
She's got kids and has managed to put her life back together after the divorce; she has a steady job, a home, joint custody of the kids, a group of supportive, loving, single women friends and a fun and active life (you can tell by the pictures of her smiling in Africa, Asia, South America and Europe). And you see that tiny space in the top drawer of the dresser by the bedroom wall? Well, that space can be yours, maybe, but you'll have to date five years to find out. You honestly can't blame her for the caution as it makes total sense, but she's on a path that won't stop till both kids are in college...and you're an amusing speedbump along the way.

6. The Twenty Something Sex Bomb With Daddy Issues
Sure, she is young and hot, and that's a huge ego boost. Your married friends want to see the photos from the sexting session the other night — but seriously, is it worth it? Jung said that all sex is incestuous at some level, and that is never more apparent than in this kind of May/December romance. She makes you feel great because when she compares you to the twentysomething boys she's been dating, you do in fact look like you've got your shit together (mainly because you don't wear AXE body spray). But you know it can't last and if she doesn't, you'd better pray for the zombie apocalypse 'cause that's the only thing getting you out of this relationship. Oh, and extra points if you dramatically stand up to her dad for her at some point, even threaten to kick his ass. That's a panty melter.

7. Princess Mattress Stack
She's the kind of woman who wonders why she can't find good men to date, as all her many wants are simple: She's looking for a man 34-to-35 years old, who's a successful lawyer or banker (maybe works in the sports industry) but is not materialistic. He is grounded and meditates, but isn't serious about Buddhism. His name is Thomas, Raymond or Bradley, and he and comes from old money so there's that house in Del Mar for the Christmas holiday. And while he spends a good deal of his time in New York, London, Madrid and Beijing working on a global marketing campaign, he's also working on saving arctic ptarmigans. He's dreamy and he does exist — except there are like five of them in the state and they know it. It's like being at Tony's Meats & Market on a Saturday before Christmas...take a number and stand in line.

8. She Who Runs With Deer
She's fleeing the wreckage of whatever Hindenburg-like contraption of a relationship she's just escaped from, and is moving as fast as a deer before a forest fire. You'll never catch her, just get a glimpse as she rockets by to her new life — which she's convinced is just up around the bend.

9. The Unicorn
She's experienced but still sweet, she's got her shit together most days, she's good at partnering and has been in a relationship that's lasted longer than your average NFL career. She may have kids but wants to partner with you, she understands that a little bit of weight isn't the end of the world as she's carrying a few extra pounds herself, she's not a narcissist, she knows life happens to all of us. She doesn't hate men, doesn't fear them and doesn't need them — but wants to be with one in an adult-adult relationship...to grow, to love, to live and to enjoy life. She has two pairs of boots in her closet...one for hiking, one for dancing. She may have a horse or a race car or a best friend, but she's down to being exclusive with you. No crazy ex fighting her for custody, no gambling debt, and if Jesus is in her life, he comes second to her lover, best friend and partner.

Have a dating story — good or bad — that you'd like to share? An essay on the scene in general? We'll be running another installment of "Dateless in Denver" next weekend. Send your submission to [email protected], where you can also comment on previous posts.