Dateless in Denver: A Booty Call Diary

At the start of the summer, in anticipation of all those hot times ahead, we shared a string of articles about dating in Denver, including a cover piece that explored "Why Dating in Denver Is a Dumpster Fire." We also hosted an essay contest asking readers to share their best bad-date story.

Then, because misery loves company, we introduced "Dateless in Denver," a series of reader essays on the realities of dating in Denver — the good, the bad and the ugly — that kicked off with Jess's story of a date who sharted on her lawn, and most recently shared a "The Ick," a poem about dating. Now, as we head into the snuggling season, here's the first installment of fall:
I started my Tinderella tales of terrible men when I lived in Georgia, then continued them when I moved to Denver. Here is "Thotianna Goes West."

Nathan #1: This man showed up in sandals at 11:45 p.m. in at least six inches of snow. Dick was okay. Make-out game weak. Cool tattoos and a nice body, though.
6/10

Nathan #2: French. Drove an hour to come over at 1:30 a.m. and said he was going to spend the night. I made up some shit about having to leave the house at 9 as a sort of safety net, to make sure he got out of my house ASAP like Rocky. He pulled up, said he's here; then went to the wrong house. I found him and waved. He ran towards me. I should have been scared by his bald head and Mohawk barreling towards me, but I turned around, relatively unfazed, and led him into my house. I closed the door and no words were exchanged before he hurriedly got down to business. He asked if I'm on birth control. I lied. I blew him. When we finished, we sat in silence for a literal five seconds before he pulled out his phone and opened Google maps. He proceeded to tell me, in his French accent, that he left his wallet on the back of his car at the 7-Eleven on the way over; he needed to go back and try to find it. His dick was shaped weird and he was uncircumcised. Not great dick but that tongue…
6.3/10

Nathan #3: Everything went smoothly really. It was a good fuck, best since I moved to Denver, nothing weird until after I told him, “Nice to meet you, drive safe." I closed the door behind him and turned around to see my roommate’s father staring at me in shock and horror from the laundry room. Eye contact was made and I was mortified.
Dick: 7.5/10
Dad: 0/10

Nathan #4: Once again, everything went smoothly for the most part. Until he came. In like three minutes. He then said, “Oh, no, I came too quick." He then proceeded to run out of my room and slammed my apartment door before I could ask, "Are you leaving now?" I quickly found out that, yes, he was leaving.
Dick: 4.5/10
Exit: 10/10

Nathan #5: This was a morning booty call, so I had to think extra hard of an excuse to get him the fuck out of my house. This man was a walking cigarette. He made my room smell like cigarettes after he left. I was kinda into how dominant he was, but then I spotted the Confederate flag tattoo right above his dick. I had to close my eyes when I blew him to avoid drying up like the fucking Sahara. He also had full-leg tattoo sleeves, but there was a little chunk missing in his thigh. He informed me that it was because he got fucking shot last year. It was a bullet wound. I couldn’t for the life of me figure out how to get rid of this guy so early in the day, but ended up landing on needing to shower for lunch plans with my imaginary friends.
2/10

Have a dating story — good or bad — that you'd like to share? We'll be running another installment of "Dateless in Denver" next weekend. Send your submission to [email protected], where you can also comment on previous posts.