For a Good Time, Why Not Date Yourself?

It was the AI-generated message from “Martin” a month ago on eHarmony that sent me on my “dating myself” voyage. The machine’s reaction to my interests (hiking, reading, learning Spanish, volunteering with a theater company) read: “What a great interest and goal! Reading books and hiking are both great ways to enrich your life experiences and knowledge. We are the same about this. I believe that learning Spanish will definitely open up a broader world for you. At the same time, it also gives you a deeper understanding of the culture and people of Latin America. Participating in voluntary work with a theater company is also a very meaningful activity. I have also been involved in the charity fields for many years.”

Insert video of me here, wildly waving a white flag, yelling, “I surrender!”

After establishing and later ending a few longer-term relationships (six months to a year) via dating apps over the last three years, it feels like every time I went back to the well, the pickings seemed quantitatively and qualitatively slimmer in my 55-65ish demographic. I could feel myself trying to summon enthusiasm to look at the profiles, but it felt increasingly joyless. When a nugget did come through, it was often a "like" with no message or the copy-and-paste comment “Hey pretty lady!” I needed a break.
I knew where I was headed: It was time to start dating myself again. This wasn’t the first time I agreed to be exclusive with myself. Soon I found myself playing a favorite ’70s tune, the Barbra Streisand song written by the king of sublime schmaltz, Rupert Holmes, “Lullaby for Myself.” This song was played in high rotation on my Kmart bedroom stereo after any given heartbreak between my mid-teens and early twenties. Check it out: Is there any better sentiment for the newly or confirmed self-dater than the following?

It’s really lovely to discover
That you like to be alone
Not to owe your man an answer
When he gets you on the phone
Not to share a pair of pork chops
When you crave champagne and cheese
And your aim becomes to please yourself
And not to aim to please.

While I can clearly see the cheese content in the song at age 61, it captures a part of me that honestly enjoys my own company. Granted, there is the switcheroo at the end where Babs backpedals on loving being alone, as many of us do, but I wanted to get back in touch with the Beth who craves her champagne and cheese alone on a Thursday evening with no apologies.

So, yes, I started dating myself for a spell this spring. All the local places that might be the setting for a great first date — a walk through the Denver Botanic Gardens, a hike in Golden Gate State Park, hanging out at my favorite restaurant — became my domain.

Here is a rundown of a recent lead-up and date day/night agenda with my favorite lady:

1 to 2 p.m.: Shower and wash hair. Hold the same hygiene and fashion standard as for a date with another person. No one, including yourself, wants to see greasy locks, dirty fingernails and frumpy clothes. Therefore, I showered, exfoliated, shaved my legs and put on a fun, vintage-inspired sundress. Finally, I applied some makeup, including a bold date-night red lip.

2 to 4:30 p.m.: I walked the Botanic Gardens and investigated the new Spirit Guides sculpture exhibit by Oaxacan artists Jacobo and María Ángeles. I also slowed down and hung out for a long while with the surreal quantity of tulips, nearly all at their gorgeous peak. It’s a different experience engaging with such beauty when on a solo date. If you’ve ever worked through the twelve weeks of activities in Julia Cameron’s The Artist’s Way: A Spiritual Path to Higher Creativity, this might feel familiar: Dating yourself is a bit like the “artist’s date.” Cameron assigns two-hour weekly dates to readers to promote nurturing one's creative spirit. She advises, “Doing your artist’s date, you are receiving — opening yourself to insight, inspiration, guidance.”

One of my favorite side benefits of a solo date at the Botanic Gardens, or any museum, is that you can pore over the contents of the gift shop without someone asking, “Hey...are you about ready to get going?” Sure, on a partnered date, you would probably move the date along and head out, but there is so much cool stuff in there! The seeds, the art, the garden tchotchkes. I enjoyed it all in my own sweet time. Gift shops are my jam.

4:30 to 6 p.m.: All that grooving on your internal dialogue can build up an appetite, so I hit Watercourse for happy hour and a light vegan dinner. They have excellent seats at the bar for a solo date. Attentive, skilled bartenders will serve you a killer cocktail like the Lavender Aviation with Family Jones gin, housemade lavender simple syrup, lemon and a bordeaux cherry (only $5 at happy hour). You can make a meal of the seitan wings ($7) and raw pad Thai ($7) and start winding down the date. Take some stock in the quality of the day. Was it good? How was the connection? Do you like this person enough to go out again? If you really get to know the person, I'll bet you will book another date before the check comes. Lather, rinse, repeat for at least a month.

You may just sit with dating yourself indefinitely; this is a totally valid option for some. After all, the most important relationship you have is with yourself. But if your goal is to eventually get yourself back out there and enjoy dating again and maybe start a relationship, it’s important to take the time to get comfortable with being alone. Those dating apps will be there, ready to snatch your money, if and when you are ready to return.

After about a month of dating Beth, I felt an urge to open the app again and take a look. I sent out a message to a local guy, and voilà! A thoughtfully worded message came back. I’m now heading into the third date with a truly interesting, handsome man my age. Too early to say much, but I think the experience of dating myself opened me up to this.

So give dating yourself a try. Over time, I think you will find that you really like the person inside your skin suit. There is so much to learn about them. Enjoy your dates!

Beth Kenny is a freelance writer living in Denver. Her areas of writing expertise include aging, relationships, culture, and flash fiction. She can be reached at [email protected]