Resolutions are all about self-improvement, which makes them peculiarly unsuited for a politician like Lauren Boebert. As a representative from Colorado’s 3rd Congressional District, she’s proven to be rigid about her beliefs, uncurious about learning new things, and more focused on volume and spectacle than accuracy and effective governance.
But hope springs eternal — and that’s really all we’ve got for the Colorado 3rd, which only barely failed to oust Lauren Boebert from her House seat in November. That hope might actually be warranted if Representative Boebert does any of the following things in 2023:
Less Flash, More Substance
Put the smug smile away and do some actual work that doesn’t include YouTube views or Twitter posting. Swear off videos of you strutting around Washington, D.C., like you run the place, and forget the strange “shows” you started producing for online consumption and then stopped, perhaps realizing that no one cared. You got the neo-conservative career plan backwards, Ms. Boebert: First you disgrace a public office for a while, and then you go into irresponsible right-wing media.
Get Off Twitter
It’s sort of the thing to do these days anyway, right? But here’s your chance to be in the first wave of survivors fleeing the sinking ship of the S.S. Elon Musk’s Massive Ego. There’s a reason that we so often refer to your tweets in articles just like this one, Rep. Boebert — because Twitter is where you show your ass. It’s unbecoming, your behavior there. I doubt there’s even a single tweet that you’ve put out in 2022 that doesn’t alienate someone in your own electorate. If there’s a medium that’s at this point tailor-made to serve as the place where you can most easily destroy your own credibility, it’s Twitter.
Remember What Abe Lincoln Said
The GOP in general enjoys reminding Americans that our 16th president was a Republican, despite the fact that his legacy flies in the face of almost all the Trumpy crap that poorly serves as its platform these days. Lincoln said a lot of things — especially about the preservation of the Union — that Lauren Boebert would be wise to brush up on. But one of his apocryphal quotes fits one of the lessons Boebert should have learned from her first term (and her near-miss in winning a second): Better to remain silent and be thought a fool than to speak and to remove all doubt. Word, Abe. Word.
Stop Misrepresenting History“I’m tired of this separation of church and state junk.”
— PatriotTakes 🇺🇸 (@patriottakes) June 27, 2022
Lauren Boebert went full theocracy, and proclaimed, “The church is supposed to direct the government” per the founding fathers. pic.twitter.com/XW5nXZZ6r8
Yeah, we’re coming back to that clip of you talking about how you were “tired of this separation of church and state junk.” It was bullshit so obvious that it became a punchline, and the trouble with punchlines is that they invite us to take the original statement less seriously than it should be. Because that honest revelation of your attitude toward one of the bedrock foundations of American liberty ought to scare the red-white-and-blue shit out of this country. It might not have been your lowest point in 2022, but then again, yours was a year full of head-shaking valleys of both intelligence and compassion. It’s also clear that you’re taking your talking points from David Barton, who, like you, was named a “false prophet” this past year by the group Faithful America. They accuse you of perpetuating a movement toward Christo-fascism, something you’re doing an awesome job of proving, day after day. Might want to stop that, too.
No More Writing “Books”
Your 2022 memoir, now probably available in the remainder section of Dollar Generals everywhere, was not a book. What you wrote — or what someone wrote for you, who knows? — was a gut-wrenching piece of solipsistic propaganda that was shocking in its duplicity and yet still somehow boring. Your book, the title of which we cannot bring ourselves to mention here in the fear that it might cause even one more sale, brings to mind the words of the great comedic writer James Downey from Billy Madison: “What you've just said is one of the most insanely idiotic things I have ever heard. At no point in your rambling, incoherent response were you even close to anything that could be considered a rational thought. Everyone in this room is now dumber for having listened to it. I award you no points, and may God have mercy on your soul.”
Or at Least Stop Lying About Your Husband’s Indecent Exposure to a Minor
In that same book, you actually address the 2004 incident at Fireside Lane bowling alley in the most clichéd and awful way possible: by blaming the victim. You somehow think that a seventeen-year-old who “wouldn’t stop” asking to see Jayson’s dick tattoo (by the way, classy move there, Jayson) is the reason that he got arrested — that he only “acted like he was going to unzip his pants.” Blaming a minor for the indecent exposure that results from them teasing some weird old dude about his inked-up junk is, to any rational person, tantamount to saying that an underage girl is asking to be sexually assaulted because she wears a tube top and blue eyeshadow.
Understand That You Are Not a VictimBoebert says she’s also a victim of the Club Q shooting: “I’ve been accused of just about every mass shooting there has been. I’ve been blamed for all of it. It has to come to an end. The Left is pissed I won my election, so they’re trying to find something to go after me about.” pic.twitter.com/DS5HvHYjgQ
— Ron Filipkowski 🇺🇦 (@RonFilipkowski) November 24, 2022
Your shoot-from-the-hip response to the Club Q shooting was both revealing and vile. The idea that you could suggest that you were somehow a victim in that incident, blamed for gun violence that you so vociferously defend with everything you’ve done in your life — from Shooters Grill to the seat you now hold in Congress — is laughable. It’s bad enough that you either fail to comprehend or refuse to admit the connection between far too loose firearm regulations and the constant acts of gun violence that threaten all Americans, including school children. But making it about yourself? Wow. New levels of wrong.
Keep Your Distance From Marjorie Taylor Greene
One of the few feathers in your scant political cap, Representative Boebert, is the disdain you’ve expressed for fellow professional loud-talker MTG. It’s strange that her shtick turns you off, since it’s so very close to your own. Maybe it’s more proof of the old adage that the things we tolerate least from others are those things we dislike most about ourselves? In any case, it may be the one thing most Coloradans agree with you about: She’s a menace. So maybe stop screaming together at the next State of the Union.
Stop Praying for the Death of the American PresidentLauren Boebert’s prayer for President Joe Biden: “May his days be few.” pic.twitter.com/1ft1LoYqnK
— PatriotTakes 🇺🇸 (@patriottakes) June 11, 2022
What happened to church-connected summer camps that they have political speakers now, anyway? When I went to church camp, we sang “This Little Light of Mine” and made God’s eyes out of yarn and twigs. Meh. Anyway, Rep.resentative Boebert, the next time you’re at any sort of speaking engagement, let alone like the one at Charis Christian Center Family Camp last June, you might want to pay attention to the Bible verses you’re quoting, especially if your super-funny joke about President Biden’s “days being few” from Psalms 109:8 depends on it. Because the context made clear in the very next line is troublesome: “Let his children be fatherless, and his wife a widow.” (Psalms 109:9) Again, Representative Boebert, you really have to stop giving the voting public the option of your being either ignorant or evil. Neither one is a good look for you, and we all know how very concerned about looks you really are.
No More Gun-Themed Christmas or Jesus
This seems like it should be able to remain unsaid, but since you’re not great with messaging, we’ll say it: Christmas is not a time for pro-gun policy, and Jesus would not have used an AR-15. Please let us know, Representative Boebert, if you’re wondering why both of these things seem insultingly obvious to the vast majority of Coloradans and Americans. It’s imperative that you understand this, in 2023 and for at least the year after that.
