"Exciting" Opportunities in the Frontier and Spirit Airlines Merger!

Frontier Airlines issued an announcement early on February 7 extolling the many benefits that travelers might experience now that “Denver’s hometown airline” is merging with Spirit Air. It couched the email as “reaching out with important news,” calling it an “exciting transaction” that’s a “win for you and the communities we serve.”

Anytime a corporate entity claims to be doing something “exciting” — let alone something that’s a “win” for anyone other than its stockholders — it invites scrutiny. Not that there’s anything wrong with exciting stockholders; this is a free market, after all, and companies exist to make money, not as public utilities. Frontier even has a web page touting all the changes it's making, including a downloadable infographic that’s only 40 percent small-print legalese.

We looked into the matter, and found that the merger has a number of benefits for the average consumer. So what changes can frequent Frontier flyers expect in this new era of "ultra low fares"? Here are just a few:

A Billion Dollars in Annual Consumer Savings
How will this happen? What will it look like? Frontier will get back to you. Probably through the mail. And wow, that USPS is a mess right now, isn’t it? So anyway, Frontier will put it in the mail, but if it doesn't arrive, it's Louis DeJoy’s fault.

New Routes to Underserved Communities
As compared to where Frontier alone used to fly, that is. But wow, that claim sounds good, right?

Greater Accommodation for Those Passengers Without Lower Extremities
No legs? No problem! Especially if you’re flying the new Frontier, where we’ve virtually done away with leg room. Also great for small children, little people, pets in approved carriers and imaginary friends.

Bragging Rights
Flying has never been as competitive as it’s about to be! Lay bets with your seatmates on who can sit in a single position the longest without suffering thrombosis, or who can hold that leg cramp without complaining. Frontier is partnering with several of the new online betting companies to monetize the tests of physical endurance that air travel has become. Can you win back the cost of your ticket before you land? You bet.
No Reclining!
America, Frontier heard you. Tired of silently cursing all future descendants of the person suffering in the tiny seat in front of you when they dare to recline? We’ve removed the recline option, so everyone can experience the same lack of positioning, and no one gets in your way. It’s the way America runs now: Discomfort of another person is virtually the same as comfort for you.

Frontier Will Be “America’s Greenest Airline”
No, that’s not quantifiable at present. Frontier invites our valued customers not to think about it too deeply.

Meals?
Meals? Frontier doesn’t even do cookies anymore. You’re asking about meals? Like real hot food? On trays? With silverware? What do you think this is, 1964?

Snacks
Everyone likes to nosh while flying — that’s why Frontier offers you a handy seat-back pocket where the in-flight magazine used to be stashed back when the airline had those, which now can hold the wrappers and whatnot from the snack items you bring yourself. Feel free to share with everyone in your row, and please remember to carry out your trash when you deplane.

Complimentary Neckerchiefs
If you’re one of the lucky folks working for the new Frontier, it's promising “better career opportunities and more stability.” There’s no clear explanation of how either of those things will be achieved, but here’s a free neckerchief to mark you as someone who can explain to flyers why there’s no more Diet Coke and how standing up when the plane rolls to a stop at the gate won’t make the damn doors open any faster, so get your ass out of the face of the person unfortunate enough to be sitting next to you.

75 Percent More Exclamation Points!
And if all goes either very well or extremely poorly, Frontier marketing expects to increase the exclamation-point-to-facts ratio even further! Expect big things with the new Frontier — or at least to have them presented that way!